You know, I understand depression and that feeling of being utterly alone and the dark thoughts that creep into ones head. In the past I have self medicated and done everything from shutting down and sleeping to actively pushing people away. It is hard at times, and it is so easy to just give in to the feeling of “oh well no one will miss me, my life sucks”. But allowing yourself to swim and drown in that pool of despair is never going to change things or put you on the right path.
I have even in my darkest of times put my issues aside and tried to help others with their problems. Because helping others, in away helped me. I have a lot of friends and family for that matter, who suffer from an array of mental issues. I am always trying to tell them or reach out to them, to let them know im there for them. When you are in the cocoon of self loathing and manic, you cant see the hand that is reaching for you. And even if you are able to, most times you wont reach for it because you dont want to seem weak. Yet posting about it on social media helps alleviate some of that internal suffering if not for just a fleeting moment.
Sometimes the simplest things can set your depression off. You dont live day to day any more you live moment to moment, because you dont know what will happen in the next 20 minutes. I know for you who dont have depression you are probably thinking, well we all do. But when you watch the clock tick by hour after hour, barely hanging on to what sanity you have left, a day can feel like an eternity. Sure you can take medications to dull your pain and make you pesudo numb, but sometimes even then those dont help.
They only make things worse. As someone who depression is an old friend, I know how bad things can and do get. I know how heavy the world is, and how unfair it is. At how spirit crushingly messed up it is and can be. But really YOU are the only one who can reach out for help. YOU are the only one who can make steps into finding happiness again, even though you dont know what happiness is any more. Just know that whenever you are down. There are people who will take the time to listen to you and help you and guide you. Suicide is never the answer. It is a seductive bitch, who will promise you everything that you “need/want” at the time, a way out….but when you make the move to end the pain, you only cause it.
You dont end it. You cause years of pain for those who were always right there. Those who loved you, but you were to deaf and blinded by the insurmountable amount of suffering and pain that you were in.You leave a legacy of sorrow for your loved ones. Because they wont see you for your illness, they will see you for the person that they loved. For the person that they can no longer see, touch, or feel. People are there for you, even when it seems like no one is. Reaching out isnt weak. It isnt an admission of cowardness, or being “gay” because you are showing your feelings.
Here is a number to call just to have some outside 3rd party to talk to 1-800-273-Talk(8255)